I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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