Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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