I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
