While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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