In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
