Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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