I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
