I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
