end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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