I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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