Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
