I can tuck mytits in my pants
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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