I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
