Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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