I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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