Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
