he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
