He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
