I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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