This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
