wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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