I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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