she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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