Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
