just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
