I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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