I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
