i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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