Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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