I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
