We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
