Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
