Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
