I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
