I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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