i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
