I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
