textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
