You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
