guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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