Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
