Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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