Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
