I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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