so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
