and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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