Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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