and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
