If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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