I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
