i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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