I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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