Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
