I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
